How To Convince Your Children That You Should Stay In Your Own Home

Art Mussman

The great majority of older people are most comfortable in their own homes. If they feel they can't manage by themselves, then they will consider moving to assisted living or a group home. But their children are always worried about break-ins, falls and heart attacks, and want them to make that move before it is really necessary. These are the same children they potty trained and used to worry about when they were late coming home. The shoe is clearly on the other foot now. If you are facing this situation, read on....

Think back—the way that they convinced you to trust them was their making an effort to calm your fears by keeping you informed and acting responsibly. Remember how comforting it was when you realized you could trust them. Now, you must do the same thing! In order to maintain your independence, you must convince your children that you can live independently.  Here's how:

1. Eat.  Don't skip meals. If you aren't hungry, don't eat much. Keep your refrigerator and pantry well stocked with the food you eat. Get rid of the spoiled, moldy, and stale stuff. Occasionally, invite your children over for a meal. Be a good hostess, use the good dishes, stay relaxed and within yourself.
   
   
2. Organize your finances—pay your bills. Your children will worry that you will be cheated. Budget. Give your charity money to your own church or a charity that you are familiar with. Suppress the urge to give money to anyone with a sad story—even those on TV. Don't give any money to people who phone you or come to your door unasked—and that includes repairmen.  Ask your children for help with selecting repairpeople and organizing major financial operations.
   
   
3. Keep your home clean and uncluttered.  One of the clearest signs of dementia is living in clutter: old newspapers, cans, bottles, mail, and other junk. Get rid of furniture and other household items you no longer need. A lot of it will still have good use left or sentimental value, and it is an act of charity to recycle this stuff.  If it is too much for you to dust, vacuum, wash windows, mow the lawn and weed the flowerbeds, hire help to do it. If you can't afford that, turn to your faith community or local Senior Assistance for help in finding free chore services.
   
   
4. Take care of your physical self.  See your doctor and dentist regularly. Take your medications, brush your teeth, and exercise every day. Bathe often and wear clean clothes. If you have a chronic illness, such as diabetes, have a good treatment plan and stay with it. Go to a fall prevention class. Watch your weight, blood pressure, and cholesterol.
   
   
5. Stay in the mainstream. Neighbors, friends, clubs, children, grandchildren, church groups and the like can not only fill your life with purpose, but can also support you when you need help, cheer you up when you are ill, and walk with you in daily living.
   
   
6. Use community services. The government and many private organizations provide services to assist you. For example, there is bus service that will come to your door at a specified time, take you where you want to go, and bring you home when you are finished. There are organizations that will bring prepared meals to your home. You can get help with your rent or utility bills if you cannot pay them. The good news is that you don't have to hunt for these services. Just call Senior Services at (206) 448-3110 and tell them what you need.

Art Mussman is a member of the Seattle-King County Advisory Council on Aging & Disability Services. Art's mother-in-law, who died 10 years ago, had a great deal of difficulty managing on her own, and she eventually moved in with Art and his wife. The article he wrote for this month's Digest was inspired by his observations of the challenges that his mother-in-law faced. 

Art and his wife Mary live in a condo in Kirkland, which they recently remodeled with many "aging in place" or universal design elements. Art and Mary are planning an upcoming visit to Oregon to see a friend's newly built home that incorporates universal design concepts, one of the goals of the Aging in Place movement. Read more about Art in the "Welcome" article of this issue of Seniors Digest.