Caregiver Corner: Talking Things Over, Sharing the Load

Joyce Remy

In the decade after his wife passed away, Bert Barton had lived alone. He was active and in good health. But when Bert broke his hip at age 81, his children decided it would be best for him to move in with his daughter, Martha. A year into the new living arrangement, however, things aren't working out so well. Even though Martha had insisted Dad would be best off living with her, she now makes pointed comments that send the message to her brothers Ted and Stuart that they aren't carrying their share of the load.

You probably think that providing love, care, and support to an older member of your family is a personal thing. At one level or another, you feel a sense of responsibility. You have a role to fill. But remember, eldercare is also a family matter an important, appropriate part of the family's agenda. The problem is, dealing with that agenda can also be a time when old, unresolved family issues come back to the surface and get in the way of working together in a positive way. So, everyone's goal has to be staying focused, honest, open, and fair with one another.

Assessing Your Family Strengths and Weaknesses

When your spouse, parents, or grandparents need help, and other family members consult about it, unresolved family issues may get in the way of effective helping. Revisiting and reopening long-standing family issues of sibling rivalry, parental favoritism, and other family problems during the last months or years of a parent's life is an easy trap to fall into.
 
The best way to minimize these problems is to be aware of their possibility and avoid them consciously. Work with your siblings and other involved family members to focus your interactions around the older person's needs and best interests, not other family business. If necessary, have a friend or professional counselor meet and talk with you to move the discussion along.

You're probably not going to change the basic dynamics in your family. Try not to let eldercare issues become an emotional battle between family members. It helps to recognize going into the caring role that some people are going to give more than others. Often, there is not much that can be done to correct this imbalance of involvement. However, much can be done in terms of support and affirmation. Those carrying the major responsibility for managing or providing care need both help and appreciation. Do what you can do, and support those who are doing the rest.

Family Communication Skills

When it comes to family communications, it's never too late to improve. Even families with long histories of not communicating very well or at all can learn to share their views and ideas for meeting the eldercare needs of parents, grandparents, or other older relatives. If your family is communications-challenged, try these simple rules:

1. Think of family communications as an opportunity for personal and family growth.
   
   
2. Put your issues and concerns out on the table for discussion. Do others see the situation the way you do? Be open to give and take, but try to move in the direction of a consensus about what the eldercare needs and opportunities really are.
   
   
3. Be inclusive. Draw out what each family member is thinking and feeling, including the older person or persons you are trying to support and care for.
   
   
4. Stick with it. Reaching a consensus usually takes some work. Be willing to give it the time and effort it requires.
   
   
5. Be open to both asking for and accepting help. The whole idea is to not "go it alone."
   
   
6. Share the load. Make sure there is basic fairness going on in terms of the financial, time, and emotional costs of the family's overall eldercare efforts.
   
   
7. Know when to say "no." If the "fairness" message is not getting through, or if you are simply stretched beyond your capacity, it may be a time to say no.

Bert's family held a series of meetings, and came up with a plan for Ted and Stuart to participate more in his care. Discussing the issue with their dad, they discovered that he was afraid of hurting Martha's feelings by moving out, even though the assisted living where a number of his friends had moved appealed to him. Now, with everyone on the same page, the family can investigate all the options.

For more information...

The Family Caregiver Alliance website contains many resources for family caregivers, including an article entitled "Holding a Family Meeting."