A Gift to Your Children

Mary Ellen Harned, GuardiaCare

As a senior, one of the best gifts you can give to your adult children is a willingness to sit down and have a conversation with them about how you want to live out the rest of your life!  Family members who have attended GuardiaCare's caregiving classes have expressed how much they wished their loved ones had talked with them about their preferences when they were able to do so. Talking about aging is such an uncomfortable subject for us, and your children or other relatives may have difficulty bringing it up. Or have they brought it up and you don't want to talk about it either?

At the top of the list are end-of-life decisions that you need to make while you are fully capable of doing so. As we've learned from the Terri Schiavo case, it is heart-wrenching for all involved unless you have made your precise wishes known to family members. A positive step you can take now today to minimize conflict among those who love you is to make out a Living Will.  This document states your specific instructions and designates the person you entrust to make healthcare decisions on your behalf, if you are ever incapacitated.

You will have more control over how you spend your later years if you open the dialogue with your family about what matters to you. It is also important that you address, rather than avoid, some important questions.

Are you looking after your own health? 

Don't shrug off persistent pain or memory lapses as part of growing older. There may be an underlying medical condition that can be treated. Be sure to visit your doctor for a complete physical and mental examination on a regular basis. If you've put it off, and your children express concern, don't ignore their suggestions. They may have observed some changes in your appearance or behavior of which you are unaware. Maybe you are scared of what the doctor may tell you, but ignorance is not necessarily bliss. If a disease is diagnosed, usually you have far more treatment options if it is detected early. Even if you are experiencing some mild dementia, finding out early can help you face that reality while you can still be part of the decision-making about what comes next.  

Where do you want to live? 

If you are like most of us, you'd like to remain in your own home with as much independence as possible, for as long as possible. So don't be too proud to ask for assistance so you can continue to live at home. Maybe you manage quite well in most things, but meal preparation has become a chore. Maybe climbing stairs exhausts you or puts you at risk of a fall. Can you safely get in and out of the bath on your own? In cooperation with Spalding University's Auerbach School of Occupational Therapy, GuardiaCare can arrange a free home consultation and make recommendations about things that can be done to increase your safety in the home environment. This is a free service funded by the KIPDA Area Agency on Aging. But you (along with your family caregiver) need to request the home visit.

What other community resources are available?

There is a wide range of services that support independent living, including home-delivered meals, home health agencies, non-medical services such as grocery shopping or cleaning, and adult day programs. Contact KIPDA for referrals to these services. Being open to such supports may enable you to live longer in your own home and familiar neighborhood.

What will the future hold? 

None of us knows and no two situations are alike. If the day comes when it is no longer safe to remain on your own, be prepared to accept that fact, but help your children by discussing what are or are not possible alternatives. How do you both feel about living under the same roof? Or in an attached apartment? Have you visited retirement or assisted living communities? How would you thrive in such an environment? What financial resources will be available to support your choices? By talking openly about "what ifs," you are making your wishes known to your children and searching for solutions together with you in charge.

Mary Ellen Harned is Executive Director of GuardiaCare Services, which provides financial management services, an adult day health center, caregiver programs and other services to help seniors live independently. Visit www.guardiacare.org or phone (502) 585-9949 for more information.